once i saw jesus on a tortilla shell

gagfactor @ 2009-06-03T00:09:00

2009-06-03T07:53:50Z

Ok ok ok..recap..

So over the past few months, I've gone to Iceland, helped create two great ideas for start-ups, thought up a feasible way to permanently earn part time income, moved into a townhouse with my amazing boyfriend, and gotten involved with his wonderful family.

And our luck is insane, it's like God is winking at us. In Iceland a million little things would happen. Like, we would be late but still happen to show up at the last possible second to catch a bus we thought was impossible to catch, or we would barely catch the plane, and our luggage even beat us back. Crisis after crisis averted. And now, building out house together, good fortune is still raining down on us. Just today we just happened across a yard sale and found the perfect piece of furniture to showcase his vintage game collection in the den, with the price talked down and shipping included after we bargained off a used piece of furniture we commandeered from the trash, so it fixes the space problem down there. Yesterday we almost got slammed with $150 worth of charges for late fees on bills because apparently they only take checks and I'm out, but with the help of my brother and his seemingly random knowledge we pulled it off for nothing. Even timing was perfect: I waited just long enough to have not committed to summer housing on campus for me to figure out that we were definitely ready to take the next step and not just move in for convenience, but this situation has saved me hundreds of dollars over the summer. Even moving in we kept finding valuable things people left by the garbage: a mini fridge, 2 futon mattresses, microwave, printer, a $900 projector, 2 cabinets, 2 futon frames, a planter, a side table, and another bookcase. And the everything that's a little banged up he can fix! He spent all day putting together the unit for the game consoles, after he disassembled it and put it back together downstairs to get it into the den, and he's going to help me chop up the extra furniture into boards so I can make raised bed systems for my garden.

We're both working on losing weight together, too. We've portioned out everything into sensible but stupidly healthy meals throughout the day, like veggie stir frys with fish, or liver and onions (LIVER IS DELICIOUS, who would've thought?!), or our cabbage dish, and oatmeal in the morning with a little wheat germ and peanut butter to fuel us up for running. He made me the the best dinner I've had in months, cod with a balsamic fig glaze, sauteed vegetables with oats and walnuts served over napa cabbage, and he made it as an apology for being harsh in an argument we had where he was actually right because he felt so bad for making me upset. I mean, wow. He's the sweetest, most attentive and thoughtful man I've ever met, and by far the most intelligent. He can speak about any subject, from physics to movies. He got me interested in One Piece, the best show I've ever seen in my entire life. I've never been so comfortable or so assured that he is one of the best decisions I've made, and we're just starting to do amazing things together..I've gotten him inspired to write a book, and helped him figure out the target and way to pull it off, too, and he's going to write scholarship papers with those genius ideas of his.

I have no idea what's going to happen. But I am really, really psyched for find out. Everything's falling into place and accelerating, and for once I'm just calm because I KNOW I'm headed in the right direction. It's all so..right.

I have a semi/fully-charmed life and it just keeps getting better. WOOO!!!!

Words are powerful.

2009-02-17T08:08:38Z

Simplify. Focus. For next quarter...

Inner goals: Self-motivation, organization, being on top of things, reaching my potential.

Outer goals: bellydance, finance.
Secondary: running.

To achieve: wake up at 9 weekdays, 10 weekends, start the day off with yoga and tea. Set aside study times (full work, notpseudo-work) for two hours four days a week. Be calm. Open yourself up to randomness.

Follow your bliss. You can't get it wrong.

Can't wait for Iceland and spring quarter..trips to the farmer's market and cultivating dandelions and meditating in the sun..getting work done ahead of time, being proud of my work..working with the Professor to gather some real-world experience..

Mental shift.

2009-01-23T07:32:14Z

Imagine, if you will, the industrious search for Self. You have the huge desire to find it, so you run forward through darkness and there's woods and thickets and bees and puzzles and mind games and a lot of mysterious stuff and you're going crazy trying to find it and five years later you realize..that about two feet directly behind you where you didn't think to look..your True Self is right there. With a huge, neon sign pointing down at You. And there's all your stuff, everything you want, and You're waving frantically at yourself and the second you turn your attention to it it was like "What the heck did you do all that for?"

He's not even on a pedestal. He's just pure awesome.

2009-01-23T05:54:45Z

Dear God (me),

Please let Rob's being laid off be a good thing. I know Microsoft is going through a transitional and potentially make-or-break period. Please let this be a blessing in disguise. Please let him find another job in Seattle, for he does not want to move anymore. And if he cannot stay in Seattle, please nudge him into moving back to Rochester so that I might jump his ass. Please do not let him find a job in some weird-ass part of the US because I don't think I'll be able to find an excuse to get a co-op there. For I do not care if he is destitute, he is mine, and I'm going to get him back.

I'm a completely selfless person. Really.

Thanks,
Jen

Ps. Thanks for the excuse to talk to him though. That was cool. How the hell are you so relaxed after being laid off? Yet another reason why he is awesome. You're the best, God. Love you.

gagfactor @ 2009-01-16T01:39:00

2009-01-16T06:43:39Z

I am pimpin'.

Yesterday I spent the night with Ryan and had an awesome time. Came back, talked to Will, convinced him to come over. Woke up next to Will, who was diagonal across the futon because he's 6'4", went to class, Ira called to hang out half-way through, got a hold of Travis instead and had an awesome night making fun of hentai and watching really awful/awesome 70s porn.

Travis' dad is rich. Travis' dad will randomly give Travis money, because he is awesome. Travis asked his dad if he could borrow $3k to take me to Iceland during spring break, and his dad forwarded him the money without a second thought. The best part is the government is now paying for his schooling and loans because he joined the army, so the government is really footing the bill and I therefore don't have to feel guilty or obligated to him at all.

The moral of the story is, I am fucking awesome, and I'm probably GOING TO ICELAND!!! FOR FREE. HAHAHAHAHA

ay ay ay!

2009-01-15T06:20:46Z

Just let go.

Today I started a conversation with some guy in my class. We went back to his place, watched Old School, some Clerks, fucked around with this which is the BEST THING EVER, and I was silly and myself and didn't give a shit. I'll go out with Ira and get coffee and bullshit about art and photography, I'll get calls from my professor so we can go through with getting started doing business together, I'll be making "gobs and gobs" or money soon enough, Travis is taking me to Ethiopian and the hookah bar (I totally have that boy wrapped around my finger), I met this guy named Will who's into BDSM, that's fun, and Will's brother is hitting on me because he saw my tits at the party on Saturday when I did body shots with Kristin and Sarah, there was this seriously awesome threeway kiss after Sarah licked rum off my navel and my chest, and then we all hopped in the shower together, took off to Jay's at 3am, went to the porn store on the way back and played around with the double-ended dildos, texted Rob at the end of that night just to prove I could "I just got out of the shower with two hot chicks, you should have been there." "I went snowboarding, but you win. I wish I could be there." "You'd be surprised at the opportunities that present themself", Tony's in Seattle now and he texts me telling me to hurry my ass up and get out there, and at this point I know I will be, hanging out with people in German studying, oh, Allen who's Travis' roommate is definitely into me, we had a great time screaming German back and forth at each other, we want to travel the world jumping from place to place, I'll sit at Crossroads and people come up to me "are you bored?" "No, I'm having an awesome time!" and I'll show them the drawings I've been doodling for the last three hours at the cash register, I'm making a collage soon, and these are just brief outlines of the awesome fucking time I've been having. Just attracting people left and right, I feel like a gypsy.

This, in the past four days. And I'm JUST GETTING STARTED MOTHERFUCKER

gagfactor @ 2009-01-14T00:21:00

2009-01-14T05:29:04Z

"I love the mushroom cloud; this is the holiest mandala that we have manifested to date, as an archetype. It, more than any religion or philosophy on earth, brought us together all of a sudden, to a new level of consciousness. Knowing that maybe we can blow up the planet fifty times, or 500 times, we finally realize that maybe we are all here together now. For a period they had to keep setting off more bombs to get it in to us. Then we started saying, "We do not need this any more."

http://curezone.com/forums/fm.asp?i=497937#i

My spirituality in a nutshell. I have seen the fractals, the sacred geometry, the light. Oh god, the light. It is the most beautiful thing you could imagine and to see even a sliver of it will leave you speechless in sheer wonder. It all is. It is all beautiful. It is all wonderful. I am complete. Relaxing into the Stream, trusting my higher self to guide me..it is the most beautiful relief. I finally truly love myself. I'm grateful for the contrast in my life because I am so much more..

And no, I'm not high.

:)

gagfactor @ 2009-01-10T16:28:00

2009-01-10T22:03:44Z

HiggitySpiggity: seriously though, i need tutoring on that kind of time killage
HiggitySpiggity: what did you do, like masturbate 10 times or something?
j m juxtaposed: In fact, yes, I did.
j m juxtaposed: To a Korean donkey show.
HiggitySpiggity: ah
HiggitySpiggity: for a second I thought you were serious
HiggitySpiggity: but since you're not, (the donkey show clued me in) I will offer no congratulations
HiggitySpiggity: so there
j m juxtaposed: Who says I'm not?
HiggitySpiggity: well, then you've broken the record for "least time required to acquire a taste for bestiality"
HiggitySpiggity: in which case, congratulations
j m juxtaposed: Woo!
j m juxtaposed: I wonder if they'll put it in Guinness.
j m juxtaposed: they should.
j m juxtaposed: Oh my god I just realized that.
j m juxtaposed: I wonder if the beer guys were like "wait, how do we expand our product line and advertising..I KNOW, lets start a book of world records!"
HiggitySpiggity: I would not be shocked at all
HiggitySpiggity: is it bad that I'm actually looking it up?
j m juxtaposed: ..I'd say yes, but no, no it's not.
HiggitySpiggity: oh my god!!!!
HiggitySpiggity: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guinness_World_Records
j m juxtaposed: We are the Nexters (I didn't know thats what our generation is called) and we like a ton of really useless information about everyting.
HiggitySpiggity: it FUCKING IS
HiggitySpiggity: FUCKING GUINNESS DIRECTOR
j m juxtaposed: OH MY FUCKING GOD I AM A GENIUS

I really do love our useless information. We're the best generation ever.

gagfactor @ 2008-12-30T07:07:00

2008-12-30T12:19:00Z

When's the last time you saw the sun rise?

It's 7am and I can't sleep. I've been up all night watching tv on my laptop, agitated, frustrated, stuck. But boy does 90210 have a good plot (not). Then I looked out the window and saw the sky start to turn..black to midnight blue, to navy, outlined against the clouds, getting lighter..and I opened my window and felt the cold wind against the stifling processed air in my room and I breathed..and everything was quiet. The sun rise feels so different from the flamboyant exuberance of a sunset, so mellow, so subdued, so gentle. All I hear is the rustling of trees, leaves, the occasional car, now...

I wonder what it would be like to wake up in the middle of a field, the dew on your skin, and the first thing you see is the sky, trees, birds..

< /incomplete thought >

it's raining men. hallelujah.

2008-12-18T07:46:08Z

The other night Nate and I made love. We met online accidentally, I forget how, and we've been chatting off and on for a month. Simultaneously I've been trying to deal with some intimacy issues, and I was speaking with him about it and he asked if I'd like to cuddle. Obviously I declined as we'd never even met in person, but he asked me why and I realized I didn't have an actual answer for him, besides that I was terrified of anyone being close to me. Then I realized that my own worst enemy is myself and I desperately need to expand my comfort zone, so I invited him over. He's an incredibly comfortable person, and we had a great time with a makeshift comfort-food dinner of hot soup, bread and dark chocolate. What more could a girl ask for? We curled up on the couch to watch The Lion King (Mufasa's a badass mofo) and the feel of his arms around me..I'd almost forgotten how lovely it is. Then he kissed me..and I'm typically not there, I'm typically nervous, typically thinking about Rob..but I tried to focus on that moment and then..it was amazing. He looked at me like I was gorgeous, a goddess..he was so gentle and patient and sweet, helping me relax at every level, easing me through every mental barrier, and I felt pure again..I felt love again..I felt like myself again. I very nearly broke down crying afterward because it was just so powerful, the relief..I didn't think I'd be able to love anyone besides Rob. And maybe I can't, but I'm finally opening up. It might sound emo, but that's HUGE for me. Oh, I'll get him back, there's no question, but in the meantime I deserve to have some fun..

Tonight I cuddled with Ira, tomorrow Travis and I are doing massages, Ryan wants to take me on another date, and when I get home I'm seeing Shawn and Chris.

I feel amazing. I've been constricted for years, like my heart is cut off, but it's starting to ease up..and I'm having the best time. Being single rocks. I missed loving life.

gagfactor @ 2008-12-06T01:31:00

2008-12-06T06:56:09Z

I am having a perfect moment..I accidentally clicked a link and came across a musician called Nils Petter Molvaer. He's a trumpet player, and his music is a fusion of styles: jazz, ambient, house.. Turning it on I felt an immediate intense connection - this music is a part of my soul - the blending of different styles complementing one another in perfect harmony, the clarity and tone, the feeling, and the second I surrendered to the moment my mind went blissfully blank, and I was lost (or found), absolutely present, chills running through my body, and I didn't hear the music in my head, I heard it in my heart, and in came beautiful new thoughts..listening to the end of "Alone in the Bathtub" and I'm soaring over New England mountains in the fall, surrounded by the leaves in rich gradients from forest green to deep umber, past the trees over a pristine lake..and the next track "Leaps and Bounds" begins and I'm sitting around a bonfire with an Apache tribe, their shaman singing and dancing in front of the fire, calling out to the wilderness and is answered by wolves..the most beautiful thoughts in the world. The clarity of thoughts are astounding, I see the most perfect details in my mind, and the more I focus the more detailed it becomes and I am momentarily THERE, and I'm almost scared at how real this feels, how vivid my imagination is..

And in this moment I am open, and free to..

Be still.

gagfactor @ 2008-11-17T02:20:00

2008-11-17T07:38:50Z

All inspiring messages tell you to go for your dreams, follow your heart, follow your bliss. Why don't we? Why can't we learn from others' mistakes? Fear is a huge hurdle, but your primary problem is contradicting beliefs. How can I lose weight if I feel unworthy, am afraid of attracting people, afraid of opening up and getting hurt, and in the back of my head remembering 'you can't, it's not realistic. even if you get there you can't maintain it'. Shallow or not, its a goal, both catalyst and barrier. It's a metaphor, a personal milestone to track my inevitable success. Mercifully, I do believe this. If I instinctively know I will succeed at all I wish to accomplish, what's currently holding me back?

I should be meditating. I just..can't unravel it, trying to grasp onto light..it's difficult..you have to catch it accidentally, flying by missing the ground, Arthur Dent style. The accident is what infuriates me. I wish for a method, something to learn, a tangible means to achieve my goals. But who to mentor you through your own mind? I might have secured myself a business guru, but I need a spiritual guru..a shaman, a monk, a vadya..

It's all just energy, all light, different wavelengths. Antioxidants are just light. My hand is just light. If it is light, we are all one, this is an illusion, we create our own reality, then why can't I achieve this one thing? Being goal oriented, perhaps I will feel unworthy and therefore block myself from success until I achieve this few goals, prove myself to..myself. I love how I need to theorize and analyze my own mind, as if I were distanced from it..but perhaps I am. Out of necessity. Hopeful it won't be necessary for long.

If no one cares what you do or where you go you're free to do anything. This is all here for my amusement or I wouldn't exist. Open to receiving yet not spoiled, entitled yet pure, growing through love, appreciating what is, never mistreating another, giving back. Always. I'm getting there.

:D Experience + Seattle + chance + support = AWESOME.

2008-11-08T08:57:28Z

I've prayed for any number of things, but tonight I might have been answered. I was sifting through raw blogs out of boredom, and I stopped at this one woman's..maybe it was because I saw she was from Seattle, but I got a feeling in my gut, just instinct saying to pay attention..looking further, she has her own organic skin care line and her business has been growing.

So I emailed her tonight asking about a potential internship. She emails me back a few hours later asking for a time to talk. ..

WHOEVER IS LISTENING, THANK YOU!!!!

I know that nothing has actually happened yet, but I have a really good feeling. :)

couldnt watch the whole thing

2008-11-06T07:45:40Z

Earthling

oh god. i barely got through the first half hour, had to turn it off.
i give all of that up. not only do i ~~think~~ know that people absolutely thrive on fruits and vegetables, but i don't..cant be a part of that. i dont want to hurt anything. i dont want to intentionally hurt anything ever.
ill try not to chastise people for eating meat - people should do as they please, and if i force my beliefs on another im just as bad.
however, i think everyone should be informed of the impact their choices have, especially when most people consume meat daily..

if slaughterhouses had glass walls the world would be vegetarian.

im now vegan. raw foods. superfoods. whatever it is, i refuse to encourage this.

OH MY GOD.

2008-11-04T07:19:48Z

I accidentally stumbled across this site: http://www.workaway.info/ It took me a few minutes to register what an amazing find this is, but OH. MY GOD. Which led me to http://www.wwoof.org/

WOW!

I've always been interested in traveling and learning. I had thought about joining the AmeriCorps or PeaceCorps, but I don't want to sign away two years of my life. Life isn't meant to be tethered down, it's meant to be explored! I want to volunteer and meet people and help, but many programs actually make you pay to volunteer, how ridiculous is that..

But this site is a listing of opportunities all over the world in which you help people with tasks ranging from gardening to caring for horses for about 5 hours a day, 5 days a week, in exchange for accommodations and food. Since you're speaking directly with people, there are no contracts, minimum length of stay, guidelines..it's just you, traveling, helping out and living your life.

It's AMAZING to think that at any time you can pick up and leave. We always have choices. If I ever lose my job, I can easily catch a plane to Germany and work in a garden for a few months, saving money and essentially enjoying what could be the best vacation ever.

It's likely that after college I will apply for grad school, jobs, and this. Life is just getting better and better. And better. :D Denmark, Switzerland, Israel, Costa Rica, Hawaii, China..I can travel everywhere. You can, too, if you want.

I'm so excited!

SUPERFOOOOOOOOODS!

2008-11-03T18:42:51Z

..I'd rather get high on maca, cacao and durian than x, weed and acid..

:D

oh god green smoothie. My energy just SKYROCKETED. Time to work!!!

yesss I'm going crazy because I FORGOT WHAT HAVING ENERGY FELT LIKE. THAT IS SO SAD.

yayyyyyyyy!

2008-11-01T16:30:16Z

Dancing! I've come to the most wonderful realization. As anyone can attest to, I can get very neurotic about food, knowing how crucial it is and how negatively bad food affects me. It does. Ever since I learned what's going on in my body I can literally feel it. I eat a cookie and I feel my blood sugar spike and plunge, then my head gets foggy and I'm a sedated energy-less zombie. This has always happened, it just didn't occur to me before. I'm a sensitive person; I accept this. But I'd rather actually be listening to myself than not, call me crazy.

Anyway! Last night at the Halloween party (awesome!) I had a few cupcakes and pieces of chocolate because, well, it was Halloween. And a few shots obviously. But I realized that..none of it tasted good. The chocolate tasted like chemicals and I wish I had real cacao (REAL CHOCOLATE IS EXCELLENT FOR YOU AND CAN EVEN HELP YOU LOSE WEIGHT, IF ANYONE WANTS RESOURCES LET ME KNOW. And over 600 antioxidants! Sweet Jesus! Blueberries have 24!), the cupcakes tasted like chalk (wheat and gluten = ew.), and the shots just made me feel queasy.

I'm finally breaking my addiction the SAD (Standard American Diet), and it's FABULOUS. I don't even know if I want to drink anymore, it didn't feel right.

The further I go the better I feel..and I'm setting mini goals for myself until I get there. This week I'll be 100% raw and see what happens.

I know it sounds radical to eat just uncooked fruits, veggies, superfoods, and some nuts and seeds but it feels like the most natural thing in the world. I bite into an orange and I feel energy rush through my body, I literally get tingly. It just..feels right. I never wanted to believe it, growing up on mozzerella sticks and poptarts, because it was so contrary to what I thought was the truth. The truth is, I've eaten very little REAL food in my life, and I have loads to make up for. And I'm excited. Soooo excited :)

gagfactor @ 2008-10-30T22:36:00

2008-10-31T02:42:47Z

http://al.godsdirectcontact.org/your_food/

Mich, I know you have some concerns about my interest in moving my lifestyle towards raw veganism. ..this is a big part of it.

Affirmations and reminders for myself..

2008-10-27T03:49:38Z

At the very core we are energy. The universe is pure energy, which physics and quantum physics attests to. Beyond molecules and atoms and quarks, there's energy. If we're energy, we vibrate at a certain frequency, and since like attracts like, we attract that frequency. When I was miserable, I attracted Jordan. When I was happy, I attracted Rob. Proof enough for me. Happiness attracts happy people and wonderful experiences (when I look back at my experiences this is always true), which inspires others into happiness, who inspires others. We truly can change the world. I honestly believe that our greatest goal in life is to feel pure joy, create, and inspire others to do so. So, these are to remind me of how to keep myself in a happy place, to keep the world in a happy place. Because if you believe that, it's kind of our moral obligation to be happy and love life ;)

1. Commit random acts of kindness whenever possible. Today when I worked the cash register, I had to tell a guy he couldn't keep his sub because his credit card was declined. I felt awful about it. Then I felt worse, realizing that the sub would be tossed and wasted anyway. Next time, do the right thing.

2. Respect myself and others. Always listen to my instincts. There have been too many times where I haven't stood up for myself because I felt I deserved no better. This isn't true. People will not respect you if you don't respect and love yourself, but when they respect you they strive to be respected, which is usually a very good thing. This can be achieved with many full body massages with delicious smelling lotions, followed by pedicures. And a fresh apple. mmmmm.

3. Do not kill or encourage killing. I just heard a lovely story about appreciating mosquitos, and how mosquitos bite if they sense you hate them and have killed other mosquitos in the past, but will typically ignore you if you ignore them. Upon reflection, this feels accurate. Stopping eating meat has also been far easier than I ever would have imagined, and I mentally just feel better. Good karma, I suppose. Besides, just imaging how those animals are treated.. You vote with your dollars. Whatever you spend money on encourages more of whatever it is. I don't want to encourage people killing; I'd rather encourage farmers growing vegetables.

4. Do not judge. Especially don't judge yourself. Remember that everyone is doing the best they can with what resources they have available to them at the time. Remember how I acted when I was 14, unaware of different methods in taming my depression. Remember that everyone has different experiences, different thoughts and different views. And this is an awesome thing. Embrace it.

5. Do not slander. This can be difficult, especially if people are gossiping around you, but remembering that everyone is doing their best makes it kind of hard to be mad at anyone anyway. I've always known this, and I think this is why it's been amazingly difficult for me to be angry. I'm pretty grateful for it, actually.

6. Forgive. For the above reasons. It can be very difficult to forgive someone if they have truly disrespected you and intentionally hurt you, but the truth is, you decide at any moment to be happy or not. For a person to treat another badly, they probably live badly, as they deserve. Do not let them take your happiness from you. Don't let them have that power; they're genuinely not worth it, especially if those awful feelings could keep you from an experience or meeting a important person or beginning an adventure, because you were too sad or depressed or jaded to be bothered. I met Rob because I said "screw you" to James and got back out there. Knowing how many experiences I've given up because I've been in a bad place..no. No more. True inner peace is untouched by the outside world.

7. Be inspired. Nowadays when I'm down, I like to think "Has anyone overcome this in worse circumstances?" The answer is always yes. I'm reminded of Ghandi, Mother Theresa, Nelson Mandella, Martin Luther King Jr..there are so many amazing people throughout history to draw strength from. Find good in every person and learn from it. I'm inspired by Lisa, how amazingly sweet and caring she is. I'm inspired by Michelle and how fearless she can be. I'm inspired by Rob's good nature, by Matt's amazing attitude, and by my mother's strength. I'm inspired by people like David Wolfe who teach people how to heal themselves, I'm inspired by Happy Oasis who's traveled across the world, gathering food in the woods as she goes, sleeping under the stars. I'm inspired by everything, because the world is an inspiring place!

8. If your heart says no, the answer is no. Too many people think with their heads and end up regretting things for the rest of their life. Relax. Listen to yourself. You are more intelligent than you realize, and you're always being guided if you pay attention. If a decision feels good, it's the right decision. If it feels wrong, it's wrong. How easy is that?

9. ENJOY. Play. Bubbles are good. So are odd numbers.

:)

We deserve better than this.

2008-10-23T05:03:28Z

I have lost all faith in the Western view.

Science has failed us. Look at your doctor. Are they paunchy and balding? Then they know NOTHING ABOUT HEALTH. Look at our government. Is it trying to help us? Does it make us feel secure and connected as Americans? Didn't think so.

But more importantly, I'm learning about the very, very wrong view of one of the most basic and crucial parts of life: childbirth. The word 'injustice' is not even strong enough. Women today are pumped full of medications (which are practically forced on them by their doctor, and of course they must 'lest they be labeled a bad mother) which dull their connection to their own bodies and typically makes it more painful. Instead of standing and moving their hips, as is extremely helpful, they must lie on their back in a position of zero power and are told to push, before their body is ready to, which potentially destroys their pelvic floor and causes more tearing. When a baby is born, a woman's brain releases a beautiful chemical which only happens at birth causing an immense spiritual, loving connection between the mother and child. When a woman is drugged this is robbed from her.

If you ever used to hear me say I'd never have a kid and it's disgusting, this is why. That IS disgusting. It's instinctively just..so wrong. For a woman to have her power taken from her in one of the most beautiful days of her life, and NOT KNOWING there's an alternative..I'm seething with anger right now.

Because guess what! Apparently childbirth can be a painless experience. It can even be orgasmic. I just watched a few videos and started crying because they looked like goddesses, it was pure grace.

Few people care enough to read this. If you are a woman, PLEASE find the documentary "The Business of Being Born." It's about birth in today's society and what other options are. Also, "Birth As We Know It" is an excellent documentary. There are a ton of resources around both of these if you search for them. And if you search 'painless childbirth' on youtube you can even find testimonials.

In many ways, the ways we have been brought up have just completely failed you. I'm not a conspiracy theorist, it's a fact. I'll point you to any resources. Don't let your power be taken from you. Ever. You can achieve perfect health, have great wealth, and be filled with love. Always. There is no limit to abundance in the universe. Please, trust your instincts. If something feels even somehow 'off' to you, that's because it is!

Working toward a mission statement

2008-10-21T01:44:46Z

I feel..very close to the earth. I didn't realize how close until I started to list my interests. I am interested in movement - dance, walking, sex, biking, kayaking to working with my hands through massage, cooking, ceramics to nature through hiking and camping, gardening, understanding plants and natural remedies, healing, going raw.. fruits, vegetables, nuts and seeds just feel so GOOD. Sugar, flour, all processed food and animals just feel..bad. I feel life when I bite into an apple or eat a salad, and it's a million times more satisfying than a bacon cheeseburger. And it's not completely selfish, animal cruelty is enormous, and I love animals. I smile practically every time I see birds singing, chipmunks chasing one another, swans floating serenely through a lake..I think we have a lot to learn from animals. Frankly, I think the majority of people aren't living as they should.

Everything I do and want is about sustainability. Currently I'm interested in green marketing. Marketing and psychology come naturally to me and I have been researching them my whole life. My mom is right: why am I not playing to my strengths? Why am I constantly struggling and trying to work against what I have? It makes no logical sense. I am happy when I'm in alignment with what I want. End of story. But now that I'm starting to realize what I want.. I think everyone wants a mission statement, a purpose to work toward.. I want to help nudge people towards respecting the earth. I honestly believe that if we keep working against it the human race will suffer dire consequences, possibly the most dire of all.

Today in Habitat for Humanity the president of RIT came in to ask for our help in fundraising for and creating an environmentally conscious, cost-effective "green" house, and if the design was good enough to president it to Habitat International. I could not be more excited. I want to jump in and spearhead the design. I want to contact companies for professional assistance, make contacts, get involved in this field. And wherever I end up, I really want to garden. I want an herb garden like my mum's and I want to grow my own vegetables. I want a green house, really. My ultimate goal is to be completely self-sustainable.

Raw is the way to go. I know it instinctively, the more I read about it, the more I eat..my body is humming with energy just thinking about it. If you are what you eat, why would you want to eat decomposing flesh? I'm rather be a sweet, ripe, succulent strawberry ;) Man this feels good..

Starting to believe. I CAN achieve all of my goals. Everyone can! , and the only thig holding me back is me, and the only thing holding you back is you. I know what death feels like (death with an unlived life, mind, not death at the end of a wonderful one) and I can't go back there. I'd rather use it as a point of reference. Life is HUGE. It's important and it's everything, who the hell says you can't have or do anything you want? Oh, and anyone who tells you so, get away from them as fast as possible.

If I had a billion dollars..

2008-10-11T06:15:30Z

If I had a billion dollars I'd start off by seeing the world. I'd travel to the most remote locations and try to learn as much about other people's cultures as possible. Learning is essential. I'd learn how to bellydance in Egypt, tango in Buenos Aires, practice Tai Chi in the morning (to the song of the birds) in Beijing, meditate on the steps in Machu Picchu, and add my prayers to the Wailing Wall הכותל המערב

And then I would give. When I travel to those remote locations I'd meet the most wonderful and amazing people, many who are struggling to get by. I want to help these people, people all over the world who live in extreme poverty. I want to help them build schools, libraries, hospitals..I want to help them fix their roads and plumbing, I want to give them clean water, I want to help them get food.

I want to heal. I know I don't need a billion dollars to do it..but if I had a billion I would have my fun then give it away..because some things are just more important..

I hereby commit to myself to working on the Empower Project starting Thanksgiving break when I have free time. I will write promotions, code the website, begin a donations page and start to rally people and ask people to involve their friends. I want to raise $15,000 to build a school in Tibet. If I ask for $5, I'm sure I can find 3,000 kind-hearted people to donate. If 100,000 people join the the facebook group "Darth Vader for President", I believe that 3% of that will join my group and help an actual cause.

A billion dollars would help..but people are so stuck on conventionality that we've lost the ability to dream, to innovate..I WILL travel, I don't need an obscene amount of money to do it..and I WILL help people. I already have.

Just need to keep believing in myself..I have so much love to give. I want to share it.

Because I can.

2008-10-10T03:13:24Z

Stripping is fun. I've been prancing around my apartment for an hour and my GOD does it feel good to be pants-less. Having your own apartment is awesome. And it's so easy to let go because I'm imagining Rob watching me..

One day I will have my own stripper pole. And one day I'll be prancing around naked. ..And one day I'll get a co-op in Seattle and show up at his place and give him a surprise show..("what are you doing here! ..ooh.")

:)

gagfactor @ 2008-09-22T01:27:00

2008-09-22T05:28:48Z

When in doubt:
Drink tea
Meditate
Yoga
Walk
Draw
Write down what I'm grateful for
Write out what I want
Sing
What Would Buddha Do?
Dance
Cook
Find something dirty to say in German
and of course..
pinky out.

Life. Is. Good.

2008-09-15T04:36:16Z

Last night I went to one of the best parties of my life. Foam party with the Phi Psi's off campus. Oh god.

Imagine being up to your neck in bubbles, music blasting, wall-to-wall dancing people, lights reflecting rainbows off of the foam, beer and liquor everywhere, dancing in the hot tub and on the couches, clothes melting off of everyone around you.

I danced and flirted and got hit on by guys and I didn't even know their name. I probably got looked just as a sex object, and I've got to be honest.. I loved every second. :)

This year is starting off AWESOME.